SHE IS I..AND I AM HER...AND HER IS ME..

I've been away people..

yes..all over the this country I have been..

spent time in Miami..lost myself..buried herself in sand

and she lived to tell.

i came back to NYC to find myself put upon a tall shelf that NO ONE

could reach

not even me...and she is I, and I is her..and her..is, well...me.

She is slowly coming back..

crawling towards the light..

I am growing stronger by the minute..

She lost herself in the make believe world or Ken Dolls

and booze.

But, she, and her...Ella..she's is way to FIERCE to loose it

on some pendejo...again...

Time heals everything...and makes it stronger..

she is back...sort of...

BEWARE

29

I'm 29 today.
I feel good.
I am having the best vacation here in San Diego, my hometown. The holiday was good, spent it with family and friends.
Today is going to be big also, many different people from my life are coming to hang out today and finally I will be mixing fruit. I'm not in charge of the festivites, though, and that is proving to be hard. I'm not used to letting go of the riegns of my life, but I got Lencho handling it and he's doing fantastic. I think that he hacked into my Myspace and somehow took a gander onto my blackerry. I'm sitting in a nice suite here in downtown that I got for myself. I think this will be a new tradition for me, I checked in last night and had a nice quiet evening, fell asleep really early and woke to have a HUGE breakfast via room service. It's a beautiful day and I'm going to go run around with Lencho for a bit before preparing for my dinner, in who knows where.
I'm 29 today.
I am lucky.
I thank the skies every day for my life.
I've been a dancer, a singer, an actor, a poet, a muppet, a retail slut! I've been a carnie, a smoothie maker, a customer service hag, a sea world slave! I've been a student, a son, a sister, a daughter, a brother, a friend, an enemy, a lover. I've been a fighter, a winner, a loser, a quitter, a longer haired freak! I've been sad, glad, happy and desperate. I've been an uncle, a wife, a husband and a grandson. I've been a nephew, a cousin, a witch, a shaman, a drama queen and everything in between.
I've been that and done A LOT more in my 29 years.
Don't get me wrong, I've had to work hard to get where I am today, which still isn't much, but if you where to tell 19 year old Jose what kind of life he would be having, he would have popped his gum at you, then flicked his cigaretter your way and told you "Yeah, right! I'm goin to be on Broadway!" And, well, I've sort of been there, I walked past it all the time in New York.
I'm home.
And it feels nice.

Thanks to everyone for my birthday wishes!!

I got one more year to accomplish everything on my list...
DF.

I'm off to Russia...no, REALLY!

So I got pulled into my bosses office last week and she asked what my plans were for the holiday, I told that I didn't really have any plans and she was happy with that, since she was sending my ass to RUSSIA for scouting! I wasn't even asked or given a choice, I was told. I will be taking off for three weeks starting manana going all over Russia, I mean hitting the small villages and spending the night on a train. I'm very excited that I've been chosen to go, but I've got to admit that I'm scared shitless of fucking up this opportunity. I can't believe that in the span of one year I've been traveling all over the place, it's like being back on tour only better. I don't know if I'll have internet connections, but I will be tying a journal and then updated it as I can. I get travel with my coworker Manny, so that's going to be a blast. This is just another adventure for this young girl from Chula Vista, and this is just the beginning. I think that they need to follow my ass around with a camera crew to film my shit being in culture shock. Okay kid...off I go!

DF

WWD JAPAN!

Here is the latest issue of WWD Japan. Inside is a story on one of the hottest models out there, Coco Rocha, who just happens to be a model that I work with. WWD gave her a camera for fashion weeks in Europe and told her to take pictures backstage etc. to show the world what it's like to be a baby supermodel. Since I spent quite a bit of time with her I took some of the pics and even ended up in one of the smaller ones, yo can see my mug with Coco on the right hand side. You can also see my travel turtle, he's kicking it with Coco on the bed!!

DF.

Sue Nami*

So I haven't had a chance to update my Halloween pics because my best friends Sammyboots finally came to NYC to visit my ass!! I don't how we did it, but we managed to survive his trip here without getting killed, though we tried like hell to poison ourselves. I took Halloween and the day after off, thank GOD, so I could prepare and recover. Sammy and I spent the day running around looking for our costumes, all I knew was that I had a kimono that I bought Roommate in Tokyo last year. I was a little scared because #3 was not in town, but he did leave us his makeup kit and drag box, so we were prepared. Sammy had the genius idea to put a corset over the kimono and turn me into my alter ego Blanca Basura, who was actually birthed on Halloween back in '96, which is when I met Roommate for the first time. So we came back to my place and started the transformation, thank the heavens that Sammy could beat a face, cuz her worked me out!! So we went through the parade, where I should have known that the fierce boots that I bought for my outfit were not cute for a big ol' girl like me. I could barely walk by the time that we got to the first bar and so I spent the whole sitting and trying not to pass out cuz of the corset. The bar was busted and we ended walking all over the place, we finally ended up at a local Japanese bar restaurant named Dojo's, on Mercer. I was not having a goodtime, and Sammy was trying his hardest to make it happen for both of us, my feet were killing me, so all I wanted to do was go home and take off my shoes. We bellied up to the bar and I thought fuck it and started to order drink after drink. Well we both ended up doing what we both do best, getting drunk, and the next thing I know all the people in the restaurant, including the staff came over to hang out the Drag Queens, Sammy introduces himself and then tells everyone that my name was Sunami!! I could not believe that he said that, I was Blanca Basura, but the name stuck so we ended coming up with a back story to my persona. The part of Sue Nami, the trannie gaysha whorehouse mistress was being played by Blanca Basura. So once we came up with that I was happy. After that we ended up at Barracuda were we had some great fun and drank some more, we closed that bar and got back at 5am. We got some food at the deli and when I finally got upstairs and took off my shoes, I was sort of sad to put Blanca away, but I did have a great time, luckily I brought my camera.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 19 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

JUST DON'T ASK ABOUT MEXICO!! I HAVE ABOUT A HUNDRED COUSINS ALONE!!

DF!

Dream

I had a crazy dream last night. I dreamed that I was in some sort of car chase with the cops, only instead of a car I was in a bed on wheels that went really fast! Think bed knobs and broomsticks mixed with Dukes of Hazard. But the really weird part was not the bed race, not by a long shot. It was when at some point in the chase I see these playground teens playing hoops and they notice me screaming like a girl and they call me a fag when my bed was at a red light, I don't know why I adhered to the traffic laws, I guess I was just a good mattress driver. Anyhow, so they call me fag and I hear them say "Let's go kick that fags ass!" And they started coming towards me and my friends on the bed, cause apparently now all my gay friends were sitting on the mattress with me, must of been a queen size! Okay, so I jump out of the bed and run towards them, not knowing what was going down, all I knew was that I was going to beat some ass on these kids for what they done did to Kevin Aviance! So I run up to them and I confront them and make them stop their assault before it even starts, I speak about the human race and humankindness, I speak about love and respect, I sounded like a goddamn telethon! So in the end I made the boys cry and they apologized and then I cried and it was all good!! I guess you shouldn't fall asleep with the news talking about New Jersey and gay marriage laws.
Had a good day at work, still at the office, on my way to magazine party!!

DF.

**Sammyboots is coming to spend Halloween with me..I'm scared!!

Scissors!!

Saw the Scissor Sisters last night!! It was awesome!! Tam gave me tickets and I took Roommate. Just got home from seeing Running with Scissors, and Roommate couldn't give me a haircut because he forgot his scissors at work!! I do see a trend here, I wonder what it means?
I've missed writing, I forgot how therapeutic this blog was for me.
Today was a great day, hated the movie, loved the book. Nursed another hang over, slept in, and ate. It's getting cold, and my friend Gabbycakes had his 29th birthday today. I'm ready for bed.

df

Hips don't Lie....

So I told the photographer everything last night. I professed my love for him and he bought me a falafel. He told me that he was straight, I told him that I wanted to be with him and make him happy. He said that I needed to eat, fucking alcohol! Why did I drink SO much last night?! He wanted to see me dance.

"Dance for me. Show me how you dance!" Hips don't lie played in the background as I did my dance of the seven veils. Shakira was singing about her lovely body parts and my hips told him the truth. With one body roll my hips, and body told him everything!

You know when you wake up and the first thing that comes to your mind is "What did I say?! What did I do?!" Yup, it was one of those nights. I'm a fucking idiot.


df

Arch de Triomphe

Went sight seeing with one of my models Kara, here are some fun snaps of the Arch de Triomphe. It's right around the corner from my hotel, we went over to go the top and we bought some tickets and then realized that we had to walk all the way up!! WHOO!! That was all my exercise for the trip right there!! Here you go!!

Paris Baby!!

I'm in Paris right now, having been here for a few days. Tyring to recover from Milan and New York Fashion Weeks is tough!! I'm coughing up I don't know what and I feel like crap. I'm taking a lot of pictures that I can, hopefully, have time to upload later. I'm just lucky to finally have an internet connection that works really well. Running around this city is amazing!! I don't know if I could live here though, most Parisians don't care for Americans, that's why I run around and tell everyone that I'm from Mexico. Ummhmmmm, que?
Here's a little bit of drama for yo' momma. Photographer is here in Paris working, and he's spent a considerable amount of time in my room, hanging out and staying over. It's now what you think, he comes over, we got out to eat and then we lay in bed and talk about our pasts. Then we fall asleep holding hands and wake up in the morning, like and old married couple. I watch the news and he reads the paper. Nothing, that's it. I think that's all there ever is going to be, I'm totally in love with this man and I'm sure that he knows it, I'm just scared to talk to him about it.
I've been running around backstage at most shows, today is almost a free day, but I just want to sleep and get better. I want post more later on, I can't wait to get home..

xo
df.

Me in Milan!!

BABY PHAT S/S '07

Hey!!
So in the middle of all the traveling that I'm doing there happens to be small thing called NYC Fashione Week, ever hear of it? It's kind of a small event here...:)
I'm also fighting off a cold or something so it's really hard getting out of bed, let alone getting the energy to be fashion forward, I'll leave that to the models. This season has me doing more work with the shows and the models, this season I've acutally had the oppurtunity to help cast some shows and get my name out there with some of the casting directors. I went to two shows yesterday, Reyes and Baby Phat. Both show had Roommate working the hair, so it's always nice to go in and see someone you know, also Reyes had two of my models in it, so that was cool too! After the morning show I ran back to the office and try and get through the day with my nose and throat out of whack from this cold. I then scurried over to the tents for the Baby Phat shows, easily one of the most sought after ticket in town for the season, everyone wants to get in and be seen. The cool thing about this show was not the models or the famous people, it had to do with all of the Jose's being involved with the show to some capacity. #2 was working the hair with his Salon and #3 was in charge of the make-up, and then I came along with the some models, it was a total family experience. I had more fun backstage than anywhere else!! A cool side note is that it's SO hard to get in as an agent, and I was able to walk in as a make-up artist and hang out.
I saw so much bling in the audience, 50 cent was there, as was Lil' Kim. There was some front row drama with 50 and his crew, some jerk tried to steal one of his seats, and he wouldn't budge, after much yelling 50 got up and picked the man up!! Roommate and I thought that there were going to start busting caps!! Luckily the man finally got the idea and left, but he was still talking shit to 50's crew, I wonder where he woke up!
I'm here at the office, I think I'm going to dip out of shows today and just catch a movie and go to bed early. Love you guys!!

df

The Terminal

Hey guys...OMG. Is it true? Can it be the one herself? The mother who birthed this blog, then let it sit amongst the ruins of a year that was documented and then forgotten like a pair of old shoes, smelling and dirty in the closet. Si senor! She is I, and I is her, and her is me. I've been away, living my life, away from the blogsphere, don't get me wrong...I still visit. I read daily blogs written by people who only dedicate their lives to writing, unlike me who only makes empty promises of writing more when in reality I don't have the strength or patience anymore. But yet I can't give you up, "Why?" You may ask....For moments like this. This moment that I'm living and all the other moments that I've lived in NYC, when I should have written my thoughts and shennigans down, but I couldn't. But here I sit, in Newark airport, thrice delayed. I should've been on a flight to Chicago over three hours ago, but even my little brothers' name wants to cause me grief and throw a wrench into my life. Fucking Neto...pinche hurricane Ernesto! Named after the brother that is dead to me. Well, apparently he is alive and angry, he manifested himself a big tantrum and caused me to be stranded here. Is this entry even making sense you ask? No. But you can blame that on the HUGE Top Shelf margarita that I had and also the GRANDE cerveza chaser I had, you know, just a little bit of medicine to dull the pain. Things are going well for me..really well. I keep waiting for someone at work to turn on the light and yell " Gotcha, I knew you were a fraud!" Pero, no! They keep giving me more and more to do, and I just keep shuffling along, the whole time so afraid, that my shirts are being ruined with all the sweat that pours out from under my arms!! But I love what I do! I get to travel and meet wonderful people and live another life that most think fantastic. It's been a year since I came on board and I've come far, very far.
In my absence I have Lencho the keys to this house, and he finally posted. A great post, even though he dug up the past that I buried under a house, with a tree on top of it. But I love him even more, for using my lessons to learn from.
Where is this plane!!
I have so much to write about, but I think that I'll leave it here and pick up when I get to Chicago.
I do love you guys...if there are any of you left.

DF

This Love

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - San Diego, California - 9:19 p.m. Author: Angel

This is where I have been...

His name was Roger, and he embodied every taboo charm we were certain to fall head over heels for. He was good looking; a boy on the precipice of manhood. He was from a world we’d never known; trying to hold his footing on the thin line between hetero and homosexuality, and struggling more and more each day, against the unseen, unknown force which swayed him. He hurt you, and yet you returned to him again, and again.

Later his name was John. His presence was as unexpected as the rainbow at the end of a terrifying storm. His sweetness assured something wonderful, and you leapt into the abyss again. You danced, you hoped, you smiled, you cried... you fell. In the bitter winter he was gone, and again you were alone. Long December, but there's reason to believe...

Then, his name was Phillip. He shined with allure and the promise of possibility renewed. He was like a drug and he pulsed in your veins, reviving instinct as well as hope. Time had passed, it was later in our lives, and all though we had danced this dance before, we obliged the dance once more, pretending to be virgins to the song. We sipped the wine of ignorance, and again you burned.

Roger, John, Phillip… the music plays... and life's lesson, I fear we have not learned.

The story plays again, and I feel lost without you by my side. Where do I begin to make sense of all of this? Where can I begin to justify this to you, to me, to everyone who might read this?!

Do I beging at the true beginning; when we first met, when I fell in love with him, when he was living with his girlfriend, when we first made love, when he promised me he would leave her, when he first told me he loved me, when I said that I could not see him again, when he moved away? Or should I move forward and begin more recently, when his brother called to tell me that he was getting married, and so I called him, and he came to visit me, and we met for dinner. How I thanked God that I had finally resigned myself to become a gym bitch again, and had lost those 30 extra pounds, and fit so perfectly into those 7's;and then seeing him, in the dim moonlight of a San Diego evening, looking so good, just as I had remembered him... just as he was in my dreams. Should I begin with the shallow conversation at dinner? How neither of us knew what to say? How neither of us really ate, how he looked at me as we walked back the car, how the quiet in the car on the way to nowhere nearly blew out our eardrums? How the beach looked when we arrived; sparkling with black sequins that reflected a perfect sliver of moon; a moon meant for lovers. How we sat in the sand, how the tear rolled down my face, how his finger wiped it away? How his lips felt against mine… after so long, how they felt again, and again, and again? How we made love on the sand, and how I told him I love him and he said that he loved me? How? How can I tell you this, when my heart knows how it will end?

How can I forsake a future unknown for the heartache of the past? How can I destroy a future promised to someone who never hurt me? Does she deserve him? Do I?

After all that has happened… how?

His name is Boyd. He embodied every taboo charm we were certain to fall head over heels for. He was good looking; a boy on the precipice of manhood. He pulsed in my veins, reviving instinct as well as hope. He was my drug of choice. He left and has now returned… and I must make a choice…

Chula Vista

I've been on vacation in California with limited internet access. I've been touring Southern California seeing old friends and family. I'm emotionally and physically drained right now and ended up spending my last night here with Lencho at his place with some vodka and beer, just like the old days. I don't want to write everything that is going through my head right now, it's too much, this town and people and family. All I can say is that....

I'm not of this town anymore,
she let me fly away
she won't let me back
I thank her for my freedom
wish that everyone else got out too
not sure who changed more
me or this town,
or not at all for both
I drove around and knew this place,
but I don't know this place anymore
The streets were like an old lover
whom I laid with once,
strangely familiar yet so many different
tricks and nuances that were not learned
I sadly moved in and out of the crowds
unnoticed and alone.
I am not of this town

This pretty much sums up most of the trip, I'll post pics and bios on everyone when I get back to NYC, got to get back to the Lencho!!
df.

Madonna

My aching head!! I went and saw Madonna last night with Roommate and then we went out! I can't think, the room is spinning... I'm SO not drinking today. I'll post more later..

xoxox
DF.

Gay PRIDE!!

So it's Gay Pride weekend and it seems like the Republicans are getting their way, it's raining on our PARADE!! But hunny, even with the mascara running down her face, you can't slow a good queen down, maybe just make change her outfit a little to match her umbrella!!
I've been away, yes I have! I've been going through some self issues that I know I couldn't post on the blog. I just wanted a little bit of alone/me time. Work is going swimmingly, all my hard work had paid off and I'm getting the rewards that were promised to me. I'm going out tonight with friends and heading over to the pier dance tomorrow, where rumor has it that la JLo will perform. I hope she can breathe underwater!!
I ain't dead kids! I promise, she's back!!!
xoxoxox
DF>

You gotta love NYC, or she won't love you back!

The Photographer said that last night to me as we had some wine in his newly singled apartment in Williamsburg. We had somehow turned what should have been "a bite to eat and some drinks" into an all nighter. We had started at a bar with an outside terrace, which was great until it got cloudy and cold. After that I was feeling little hungry, since I had spent about two hours at the gym, so momma needed to grub. We were walking over to this small Mexican joint when it started to rain on our heads, we ran under an awning and huddled very close to each other and wondered out loud how long the rain would last, and I was hoping forever. We scurried over to have dinner and to wait out the storm, and from there ended up at Belly, my favorite bar on my block. We both had four beers each, on top of the Margaritas, so he had the wonderful idea of getting a bottle of wine and hanging out at my place. I knew that Roommate may be home so I made the suggestion to go to his place, and to my surprise he jumped up and we left. We were both wasted when we finally got to his place, he made me feel right at home. We had some mota and drank and laughed like we were in high school. So he made me fall in love with him again, only this time it was a good feeling, more real. All night he spoke about his girlfriend, who just moved out, and how he felt about her. I know that he's straight, but it just felt really good to be around someone so caring and artistic. We sat so close on the couch that I could smell the faint smell of his cologne. We talked about dreams and music and life. After that we ran back over the bridge to hang out with some of his friends, who gave us the wrong address, so we ended up having to walk 12 streets and two avenues south to get were they were at, only to have issues with the door people. I was not in the right frame of mind to be there at that moment, so after a while I just said my goodbyes and bounced. I knew that the night could drag on forever and I wanted to wake up without a hangover, which I did. He gave me a great hug and I walked home, grabbed some drunk/fat gurl food and watched TV. It was a dream date, and without dreams there is nothing....

df.

COACHELLA!!!

I've been a bad, bad blogger!! Sorry... :)
So let me get to it! I was in California last week for a long weekend in LA and Indio, the Coachella Valley to be more precise. We were were sent to scout the Coachella Music Festival, which is an hour outside of Palm Springs. It was two days of bands and performers, over 100,000 people enjoyed the polo fields and it's 95+ degree weather. I am tan! There were over 100 bands that played various tents and some of the performers included: James Blunt, Scissors Sisters, Imogen Heap, Massive Attack, Tool and of course Madonna. She performed the final night and she didn't even close, she just went up in the electronic tent after Paul Okenfold. She was over 20 minutes late, and the place was packed with about 30,000 people trying to squash in to see her, I seriously thought that I was going to die from either heat stroke or being crushed by people in the back trying to get closer. We were lucky enough to get in the middle. I don't want to keep on writing since the pics will speak for themselves. Got home Monday night, late, and finally got a chance to rest this weekend, which was why I didn't write or do anything. I PROMISE to write more this week!! Love you guys...DF.

PHASE OUT!!>>>>BITCH!!!

HAPPY BUNNY DAY YA'LL!!
Want to send a shout out to all my people who ate too much today and who spent time with their families and hated it!! Teehee!
Okay, so today I woke up hella early and ran my ass to the gym to make it THREE days a row that I have been there! I's coming back kids, little bit at a time, but I'm coming! I don't even want to tell you what the scale yelled at me the other day when I stepped on it, that good for nothing SOB told me " One at a time please." I mean the nerve, so when I composed myself I realized that I had actually gained more weight that I was letting on, hence this new motivation to get back in shape. Well that and the fact that I've had to keep buying bigger clothes. Anyhow, I want to write about today before I watch my stories.
After the gym I went over to Dad's and #3's house to help them with the prep for our 1st Annual Clan Easter Picnic. We gathered some wine, eats and blankets and hiked our faggoty asses to Central Park to lay out in the beautiful sun, bond and boywatch. All of us were there, #1-2-3, Dad and Friend. We had a gay ol' time. We laid about and laughed and drank and pointed out future ex-husbands to each other, I will post some pictures once #3 emails them to me since I forgot my camera. I had a wonderful time and just want to thank my friends for being there for me, I always say that I'm a better person for having them in my life!!
** Best quote of the day was Roommate getting all competitive learning how to play a card game called Phase 10. I had never heard of this game, but it's like UNO but more evil, which is why I had no desire to play. But Roommate started getting all personal with the guys and talking shit, I had NEVER seen him exude some much testosterone before. He kept telling everyone he was gonna "Phase OUT!" Luckily I was pretty smashed by that point and didn't really care.
** Also watched the GLAAD awards and want to make an effort to be more politically aware, I don't know how, but I will.

Love ya'll!!

DF>