Fuck it..

" I just handed in my resignation.." My co-worker told me, I was shocked and speechless, which is very hard for me. I was also jealous and seeing red. A million thoughts swirled in my head, especially since her and I became really close on my first day, she kept asking me all these questions and asking me what to do when I finally had to tell her that I didn't know that since it my first day and she said that it was her first day too! Instant office BFF.

" What agency are you going too?" 

"I'm not, I'm retiring..moving to Perth in Australia to work as an organic farmer, I bought a ticket and I hope to be gone for two years." I was in awe of her, and sad for me. Not because I was losing an office friend, but I was jealous because it wasn't me leaving. She's 26 and she doesn't want to wonder what else is out there, this was her first job after college and she didn't want it to be her last. I totally understood it and was envious with her determination and bravery, I used to be like her, I used grab life by the horns and bend it to my will, I had dreams. 

I'm proud of my friend for throwing her hands up and saying "Fuck IT" and running away and finding herself..and that got me to thinking... How many Fuck IT's are we allotted in our life? How many times can we throw our shit in a duffle bag and find a new city or country and start all over..how many? One..two or three times? Are you considered a fuck UP for never committing? How many times have I actually said it? I've said it numerous times, too many for some peoples taste, hell I even think that I used up some of my Dad's and other family members that never left California. I threw my hands up and said Fuck IT to school and became a dancer, and started doing shows, went on my first tour and then ran to Hollywood and then I packed up my shit and ran to Chicago. I was young, in my early 20's and that shit is acceptable then, my dad calls it La Aventura, the adventure that every young Mexican man takes to find himself, though it's usually to find field work in America. So using my father as inspiration I landed in Chicago and struggled and cried and had a great time. I was making a life for myself when I started auditioning for shows again and landed a tour with Sesame St. Live...and once again I packed up my luggage and hit the road..for THREE years! I went around the world with that show and learned a lot and when the time ended I threw my hands up and moved to NYC with my best friend and started auditioning and working as well as being on scholarship at a prestigious dance studio..barely making ends meet. I then retired from performing with an injury and didn't say Fuck IT..just FUCK! What am I supposed to do now!? I worked at the cosmetics store and I was doing well for myself for a while and I still wanted more when I landed my current gig..and I said Fuck it and joined up with the fashion brigade and have been there ever since.

As I hug my friend for what could possibly be the last time I whisper in her ear everything that I was feeling for her...Pride and jealousy and I told her to run. RUN and never look back. And as I walked to the train I wondered do I still have another few Fuck IT's left? I'm 31 now, and I think I'm working on settling down, but I still think that I have a few more left..don't I? At least one..right?

df.