He ain't heavy...

Not much has happened since my last post, nothing interesting at least. I'm loving the fact that I can walk to work, so I can notice all the things that I take for granted. I got my first review with my job after four years of working for this company off and on. I also got a raise, it was only $1.46, not what I was expecting but at least it was something. My review was as I expected, everything about me is fine, smart, blah, emotional, has bad days, needs to be more positive. I've been having those since high school, somethings never change.
My father is in Guadalajara with my youngest sibling, they are on vacation together. I can't help be but a little jealous of all the time that my brothers have all gotten with him. I really wish that I would have had the dad that they have now. I didn't get the fun supportive dad that shows up to all your little league games. I didn't have the father who picks you up from school and knows all your friends, takes you everywhere and treats you like a prince. I got a totally different guy, I guess after SO many kids he finally got it right. My brother, the littlest one, my fathers' namesake. He got it all, not the physical, but the emotional. I'm sure he never gets hit, or gets scolded, or gets let down. He doesn't get stood up for the movies or juggled around with different family members when other things come up in my dad's life. No, not this one, he's happy. He likes to go all the place that my dad does. He loves the junkyard, the swapmeet and the yard sales. All the places that I was forced to go to as a kid. I'm sure he has never felt embarrassed by him, my Apa, my idol. He got the dad that's tired of fighting, the retired dad. The one who doesn't have to work so had anymore. The one who makes sure he does his homework, the one who cooks for him and is proud of what he accomplishes. He gets the physical, I get the phone calls. I don't know my little brother and sometimes I know that I keep away from him because I'm jealous of all that he has. He basically is an only child, he didn't grow up with so many screaming kids, he got older teen-aged siblings who waited on him hand and foot. I'm the far way brother, the one who never calls or writes. The one who doesn't know his birthday, who he sees once a year. I'm the one he will never catch up too, not in my fathers eyes. I see him as lucky, and I'm sure he sees me the same. He tells me that he hates to be compared to me, and tell him that I would gladly trade lives and go back home. My dad, one day he will be gone, and I will be left with a little clone of him. One who'll be able to claim all the gold chains and bracelets with my dad's name on them. He will keep the belt buckles and cowboy boots. He will know how to get around Tijuana, the town that I loathe. I will have only memories as will he, of two entirely different men, who were one in the same. I had the father I would stay up all night for, to make sure he was alright. I got the man I would have to go into catinas and drag out. I had the dad that you would have to pick up and take to bed after a night of rancheros and too many beers. I had a dad that would look and me and tell me to not grow up to be him, and he would spit on the carpet and pass out. He got the sober dad, the together dad. Was it the better, or the deafeated dad? Whatever it is, we all got him, and we're his sons.

I don't know where that came from, but it needs some work. It's a good start, I need to go to bed..night love df.